By Steve Byas

We have all seen it. Two individuals express contrary views on some social or political issue, and the conversation quickly degenerates into an argument in which the two are hurling insults, interrupting each other, and the like.

All of us can fall into this temptation to win an argument and come away feeling smug, and vindicated. But ultimately, what is the point? If we get the better of a debate, but we fail to win a convert, what have we really accomplished?

Let us look at some things to do when we get into these discussions, and some things to avoid.

First, we must realize that when we say certain words, we have a particular meaning or definition to that word, a meaning or definition that may not be shared by the person (hereinafter referred to as the Potential Convert or PC) with whom we are disagreeing. In order to have a constructive discussion with the PC, it is wise to unpack not only what they believe, but also why they believe it.

To accomplish this goal, indicate that you are honestly interested in not only their opinion, but why they hold it. Ask questions, without an edge in your voice. Asking questions causes the PC to believe that you are sincerely interested in their opinion, making them less likely to reject your opinion without listening to you. Asking questions also causes the PC to actually think about their position, and perhaps even see flaws in their reasoning. While they are formulating their thoughts on your question, they are somewhat on the defensive.

Once you have ascertained exactly what it is the person believes, the next step is to establish– if possible – common ground. If there is something in their position that you agree with (such as they share a goal with you), tell them so, and then use that common ground to explain how you honestly differ with all of their conclusions.

If your discussion is on some social media platform, such as Facebook, then you have an opportunity to make a convert of a person who is not even involved in the discussion. Using these methods may not win a convert from the PC, but there very well could be a PC reading the back and forth. In addition to the arguments you are making (and you should certainly be well-read in order to make intelligent arguments), these social media PCs might be more open to your position if you are making your case in a reasoned and respectful way, especially if your opponent PC is just throwing insults and invectives.

When one side starts throwing insults and resorting to name-calling, the “audience” PCs are more likely to become actual converts. Your strategy and tactics will also be observed by those who agree with you, and make it more likely those on your side will implement these same strategies.

This is not always going to work. Some people are just angry, and they carry that over into discussions on political and social issues. All we can do is do what we can do.

Steve Byas is editor of the Oklahoma Constitution and a university professor of history and government. He is the author of several magazine articles and books, including History’s Greatest Libels. He may be contacted at byassteve@yahoo.com